John Kuckian is back with more products and they're still trash.

Internationally renowned makeup artist who's worked on celebs from Selena Gomez to Queen Elizabeth John Kuckian is back with fresh, hot and new makeup products. Oh, this isn't a satire blog? Back to reality then. John Kuckian is a drama channel who's only two days ago put makeup on another humans face for the first time yet somehow claims to have the makeup knowledge and expertise to own a makeup brand which he claims sells out rapidly at every launch. Taking away from how John faked the selling out of his first launch claiming the website had crashed when he literally just changed the homepage of his website, he's back with new products.

So, to hype up this new launch of literal resold private label ali-express products John decided to do makeup on his (seemingly) long-time friend. Take away John's hyena being gut punched by King Kong laugh and I guess their friendship is cute? I'm stretching for nice things to say, I know. John starts the video (eventually) by saying that he's only going to be using John Kuckian products for the look, minus the foundation, concealer, brow products, mascara, lashes, setting powder, primer etc...

Skipping over the irrelevant parts of the video I was left with 15 seconds to watch, kidding! It was around a minute. John decides to give this poor soul he calls a friend a blown out smokey look that consists of pink and a whole lot of black, again, let me stress, that poor soul of a friend. The main points I wanted to raise regarding the video is his use of a well known and respected method of makeup, eye shadow as contour. Yes, eyeshadow as contour. Because apparently this girl wasn’t tortured enough by looking like a flamboyant half-dressed beetle juice, eyeshadow on her cheeks not even slightly matching her contour range is obviously what this girl needed.

As the pictures below show, the eyeshadow as contour method came out patchy, dirty mud looking and in general just a hot mess. There’s visible patchiness where the product just grouped up and decided to hang on for dear life like we all wish Jack could of done in Titanic. John also thought he’d be Nikkie Tutorials for a hot minute and be a highlighter queen, lets just say it didn’t pay off, in the slightest. The highlighter is patchy and has a visible “swoop” line where it was applied with 0 blending. This didn’t entirely surprise me for the makeup brand CEO who thought he’d blend eyeshadow with a packing brush and perform a lobotomy on a girls eyeball with his finger.

The crème de’la crème of this hot mess is when John decided to ditch the bronzer quicker than a trailer park fling in Las Vegas. The bronzer might of saved the look by at the very least masking the patchiness and in general super cold tones of the contour but no. Remember, Johns only using Kuckian Cosmetics products (minus every bit of makeup but the contour and eyeshadow).

Overall, this make over was a hot mess as we all expected. Wish John the best of luck with sales and always remember, if your product doesn’t sell out, just fake it.